Hamas Says All The AK-47s Found In Gaza Hospital Were Strictly For Medicinal Use

Hamas Says All The AK-47s Found In Gaza Hospital Were Strictly For Medicinal Use

World · Nov 14, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

GAZA — As reports began to come out that Israeli Defense Forces had discovered a Hamas weapons depot hidden in a Gaza children’s hospital, a spokesman for Hamas was adamant that all of the AK-47s found in the hospital were for medicinal use only.

“These were clearly medical machine guns,” said Ali Mohammed Al Mohammed. “By confiscating these weapons, they are depriving sick children of the life-saving medical care that these rifles, rockets, and bombs provide. Only people who are truly heartless would take these weapons away from children who are ill. Death to Israel, thank you.”

As Israel continues to receive a mixture of support and criticism for its ongoing offensive against Hamas in Gaza, the discovery of a cache of weapons in a children’s hospital was a sobering reminder of what the IDF is up against. When pressed on the matter, the Hamas spokesman refused to admit the weapons stockpile was for use in the war. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Mohammed said. “The weapons were clearly labeled ‘Surgical AK-47s and Explosives.'”

“Why would we hide our weapons in a building with innocent children? That’s ridiculous! We only allow essential, life-saving therapeutic weapons in the children’s hospital. We’re not monsters. Glory to the blood-soaked martyrs. Thank you.”

At publishing time, Hamas had sent a formal request to have all of the weapons returned to them immediately. “We really need them back,” Mohammed said. “And by ‘we,’ I mean the sick children, of course. Yes, not referring to ourselves, the vengeful mujahideen. Totally the sick children.”

This article is from 2014.

Palestinian At Hospital For Colonoscopy Not Sure About This Doctor Holding Grenade Launcher

World · Nov 15, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

GAZA — Local man Ahmed Ghazali was at Al-Shifa hospital for a colonoscopy this morning when he became a little unsure about the gastroenterologist strapped with explosives and wielding a grenade launcher.

“I’m starting to have second thoughts about this, doc,” said Mr. Ghazali, shifting nervously. “I mean you’re the doctor, not me – I just don’t remember any rocket-propelled grenades during my last colonoscopy. That’s all I’m saying, doc.”

While not looking forward to his colonoscopy to begin with, the sight of a grenade launcher really threw Mr. Ghazali for a loop. “Granted, I don’t remember what happened during my last colonoscopy,” said Mr. Ghazali. “I could have sworn the nurse wasn’t wearing a vest rigged to explode. And I really don’t recall the sound of small arms fire coming from the cancer ward. I’m not complaining, it’s just a very different experience.”

Mr. Ghazali tried to remember the diameter of the colonoscopy camera he had seen in the past, then surveyed the grenade launcher. “This just doesn’t look good,” said Mr. Ghazali. “The math, the physics of it all, it’s really got my anxiety going. Wait, doc - why is the anesthesiologist holding a grenade and wearing a GoPro?”

At publishing time, Mr. Ghazali had decided that he was going to look for a new gastroenterologist.