WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his administration’s expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag.
“This flag is now the most revered symbol in our nation,” Biden said during his announcement. “It’s only right for the Iwo Jima memorial to be updated to represent the brave men and women and non-men and non-women and those other things who are fighting even more bravely than the soldiers of World War II. These fellas with breasts who were on my lawn — they’re the true warriors. Chocolate chip braggleflurven!”
The Iwo Jima memorial, which since 1954 has commemorated all fallen United States Marines and is well-known for its iconic depiction of six Marines raising the American flag on Mount Suribachi, will also be renovated to show the six members of the disco group the Village People raising a rainbow flag atop a glittering, pink pedestal. “It’s SUCH an upgrade!” said Katniss Sparkleshine, the artist commissioned by Biden to overhaul the statue. “Out with that old, ugly statue of white colonizers and in with an explosion of fabulous LGBTQ+ flair! Take that, conservatives! Why are you so obsessed with us, you Nazis?!”
Critics of the change being made to the statue immediately gathered in protest but were quickly subdued, arrested, and charged with hate crimes.
At publishing time, updates to the memorial had been scheduled to be completed before the end of the month, with recording artist Lizzo tapped to host the rededication ceremony.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another step to establish gay stuff as the official state-sponsored religion in the United States, President Joe Biden has signed an executive order instituting the call to gay prayer, ordering it to take place five times every day, with everyone facing toward San Francisco.
“The gay prayer is part of the bedrock of American life,” Biden said in his proclamation. “Each and every American must now kneel down facing the direction of San Francisco and recite the gay prayer. You got that, folks? Just don’t kneel down on a rainbow crosswalk — that would be sacrilegious. Sump pump targlefruffurg!”
While LGBTQ+ activists cheered the announcement, many Americans voiced their concerns about the prayer. “There’s a ‘gay prayer’ now?” asked concerned citizen David Cathcart. “Who are they praying to? I think I have an idea, but if that’s true, I really don’t want to be praying to that individual, you know what I mean?”
In spite of criticism, the Biden administration remains committed to pushing its public support for gay stuff even further. “The President knows all Americans are on board with this,” said one White House source. “We’ve got other plans as well, including taking a new type of sacrament with Skittles and Bud Light, and we’re talking to Dylan Mulvaney to serve as like a Gay Pope type of thing. It’s going to be great!”
At publishing time, Biden himself was preparing to give a personal demonstration of the gay prayer, though he was last heard asking for help to show him which direction San Francisco was.