The Onion, always a chuckle of truth

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Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nation’s Idiots

Friday 8:29am

GENEVA—Calling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic “an endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,” the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. “According to our research, roughly 31% of the nation’s imbeciles die each year right after crouching on the tracks, slapping their thighs while saying ‘Come to papa,’ and then widely throwing open their arms to embrace an oncoming locomotive,” said WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom, who noted that more than 50,000 dipshit mortality cases annually are preceded by the deceased puckering their lips and crooning “somebody wants a kissie kiss” while placing a foot upon each rail. “Tragically, we continue to see dumbasses fatally assume a train’s headlight is a beaming happy face headed towards them. Data indicate that a significant portion of this demographic also says ‘The train is my best friend’ before lumbering toward their doom with a moronic grin plastered on their face. Thus far, all efforts to curb these incidents through gesturing, yelling, or sounding the train’s warning siren have resulted in delighted halfwits saying ‘Choo choo!’ or even ‘I love you too, Mister Train.’” In less tragic news, Adhanom added that both jumping from a tree in attempts to fly alongside the birds and squeezing into cages to pet the pretty lions claimed the lives of roughly 5,000 fewer fucking dolts last year.