Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nationâs Idiots
GENEVAâCalling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic âan endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,â the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. âAccording to our research, roughly 31% of the nationâs imbeciles die each year right after crouching on the tracks, slapping their thighs while saying âCome to papa,â and then widely throwing open their arms to embrace an oncoming locomotive,â said WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom, who noted that more than 50,000 dipshit mortality cases annually are preceded by the deceased puckering their lips and crooning âsomebody wants a kissie kissâ while placing a foot upon each rail. âTragically, we continue to see dumbasses fatally assume a trainâs headlight is a beaming happy face headed towards them. Data indicate that a significant portion of this demographic also says âThe train is my best friendâ before lumbering toward their doom with a moronic grin plastered on their face. Thus far, all efforts to curb these incidents through gesturing, yelling, or sounding the trainâs warning siren have resulted in delighted halfwits saying âChoo choo!â or even âI love you too, Mister Train.ââ In less tragic news, Adhanom added that both jumping from a tree in attempts to fly alongside the birds and squeezing into cages to pet the pretty lions claimed the lives of roughly 5,000 fewer fucking dolts last year.